Chapter 4: I Loved You
“To me…”
Mika hesitated, and I waited for her. It seemed like she struggled to find the right words, repeating sounds like “Ah…” and “I…” that never fully formed into sentences. Watching her like this stirred an unspoken, frustrating emotion within my chest.
“I wanted to thank you, Mika. That’s really all it is. If there’s something difficult to say, we’re both not in the best state right now. So, let’s take a moment to calm down, and we can make time for it later.”
My words were filled with deceit. It was a bit exhausting, and I wanted to leave this place as soon as possible. I understood what awaited us both from here on out—
“Ah.”
Mika gently tugged at the hem of my clothes, which made me turn back to her.
“Um, could you spare me just a little time?”
With a somewhat downcast gaze, she asked me. Reluctantly, I nodded, and she gestured for me to enter the room. Once seated at the table, she prepared two cups of milk tea—one for me and one for herself. She added three spoonfuls of sugar to hers and two to mine, without asking. We both had a sweet tooth.
As she settled into her chair, we naturally faced each other. Just like before, Mika struggled to find her words for a while, and I silently watched her. Eventually, she seemed to gather her resolve and spoke.
“Lord Yamada, I would like to apologize for the numerous inconveniences I have caused you until now.”
Mika bowed her head deeply. To be honest, I couldn’t grasp what her apology was for. Was she referring to the treatment I received when I was part of the Hero Party? Or was it about how, after I left the party, she and the others labeled me a Fugitive Holy Knight and took credit for all my achievements? Or perhaps it was about her attitude in the Sealed Labyrinth…?
“I don’t understand what you mean by ‘numerous inconveniences.'”
I spoke carefully, trying to avoid sounding harsh. Yet, my words seemed to have the opposite effect, causing Mika to flinch.
“I—”
Mika took a breath.
“I have come to understand all the sins I have committed from the moment I met you until this very moment.”
Her voice trembled uncontrollably. It was as if she remembered the time when her perception had been distorted by Ryuguin.
“I broke a precious promise with you, I neglected you while being with the Hero, and I trampled on your feelings, which you continued to support us despite everything. And then—”
“I get it, I get it! I was at fault! I didn’t mean it that way! I’m sorry for saying something that felt like a test!”
“Please stop, don’t apologize. You haven’t done anything wrong. Everything is my fault.”
Her voice was barely a whisper. Then, as if she had made up her mind,
“Could you please listen to me for a while? Asking the person I’m apologizing to for this feels strange, but—”
She pleaded with me.
“This is merely for my own satisfaction.”
She spoke with a hint of self-deprecation. Seeing her like this tightened my chest. I simply nodded and said, “Understood.”
“Recently, when I faced the Treasure Sword Monster again in the Sealed Labyrinth, I was completely drained of Mana and exhausted. In a ridiculous turn of events, in my hazy consciousness, I mistook Holy Knight Ashley for you. Both you and Ashley possess a nobility that asks for nothing in return, and a bravery that sheds tears for others without regard for your own safety. Now that I think about it, you and Ashley are quite similar. Ah, perhaps that’s why—at that moment—when Ashley was attacked by the deadly blade, my body moved before I even realized it.”
So, she was concerned for my safety at the last moment and wanted to apologize.
“I was slashed in her place, and I found myself in tranquility. But think about it. To throw away all my atonement and apologies and leave this world selfishly—how cowardly would that be?”
Her words were not a question. Each one seemed to torment and blame herself.
“At the same time I could atone for my sins against you, my foolish life would come to an end, and I would no longer have to worry about anything. In that moment, I even thought about such things.”
Everyone has wounds in their hearts. I carry countless scars myself, and even now, they bring me pain when I remember them. Similarly, Mika before me bore deep wounds in her heart. Hers seemed like a curse born from the realization of her past actions now that she had regained her sanity.
“I am a despicable and ugly person.”
Her wounds had festered, never healing.
“I know that apologizing to you won’t change the past. However, I truly want to apologize to you—someone with whom I have spent a long time.”
She reflected on the past. When I had just been summoned here, I was lost and always felt lonely. Back then, when my skills were still lacking, it was Mika who stayed by my side and supported me.
“I have hurt you so much until now. I am truly sorry.”
She stood up from her chair and bowed deeply once more. I hadn’t fought to gain a future like this.
“I know I don’t deserve forgiveness, but still—”
From her demeanor and expressions I had observed earlier, it was clear she didn’t think her apology would be accepted. No, it was more than that—
“I was also apologized to by Ange.”
“Huh?”
At my words of apology, Mika looked up, her voice filled with confusion.
“I—”
That’s right. I should have learned by now. I had let temporary emotions like anger, embarrassment, confusion, and bewilderment dictate my judgments, thinking there would always be another chance. I had neglected the present moment, failing to convey what was important, and I would eventually regret it irreparably.
“Humans are strange beings that cannot be easily understood. The heart is complex, and words are difficult. So, I can’t be confident that I can convey everything. But I want you to hear me out just a little.”
I urged her to sit down again.
“Very few people maintain consistent emotions, and we humans naturally harbor conflicting feelings.”
What I felt from Mika now was something close to resignation.
“I—hated you all. I thought I could never forgive you.”
At my words, Mika clenched her fists against her chest and tears fell. Yet, I had something I needed to convey.
“But that’s not the case.”
I shook my head twice, as if to reject my earlier statement.
“I’m human too. I have conflicting emotions. The struggle between those two feelings makes my chest ache, and I want to scream. But I’ve decided to live with them.”
Living is painful and difficult. I understood that it was only natural. Even now, it was true. Mika was crying, and I—
“There’s no lie in my feelings of hatred. But still, the time we spent together back then was real. Our mundane days, your smile beside me, our life-threatening explorations—there was not a single lie in any of it.”
Those vivid memories surged back to me. Reflecting on those days I could never return to was the saddest and most heart-wrenching thing. The world is irrevocable, and we can never return to the past that has slipped away. No matter how much we wish for it, no matter how much we dream, what has fallen away will never come back.
We all have to live with such wounds, no matter how painful they may be. Yet, still—
“That’s why I can’t bring myself to hate you all, no matter what.”
Tears streamed down my cheeks without stopping.
“So, I will accept your apology, Mika.”